No Risk, No Growth
As the US moves in new directions and groupthink clouds the judgment of all political spectrums, raising humans who are independent critical thinkers is as vital as ever. This Independence Day, I considered what I’ve learned in my efforts as a father to cultivate independent and empowered children as they approach adulthood.
Next Adventure is about…adventuring. Going on adventures involves risk in both body and mind. Hopefully, this is an informed risk that satisfies curiosity. This process leads to new thoughts and ideas and to overcoming fear, not dwelling on it.
No risk means no growth.
Fear is clinging to old ideas and ideologies and never reassessing. Adventuring means overcoming those fears by learning and being willing to try…to succeed... and to fail…
My goal as a father is to raise kids driven not by fear but by curiosity. A willingness to adventure means being capable and able to think critically for yourself.
The list below is a work in progress since a parent's job is really never done.
Ten skills kids should know by 18:
1. How to Read the News
[Be Informed]When Instagram or TikTok becomes your primary news source, there’s a higher likelihood you'll succumb to the caricatures propagated by the fringes of modern media. Suppose your kids have listened to non-stop NPR (i.e., climate change is solely responsible for every imaginable problem) or Fox News Headlines (i.e., Drill Baby Drill) since they’ve been in a car seat. In this case, they are probably pretty dialed into one of these extremes and are ignorant of (or disregard altogether) what the other 50% of Americans believe.
On our phones, the algorithm-driven news feed is self-fulfilling, so it makes you think a particular point of view is more popular than it actually is. Encourage your kids to read actual news sites, not just headlines or what their friends post on social media. Even better, challenge some of their assumed values (that you probably taught them) to be contrarian and make them question some of their assumptions. If they have an opinion about politics, they should be able to say why
’s luxury beliefs are an excellent example of why this is important).
2. Pay a Bill
[Financial Accountability]There was a time when turning 18 meant you continued on a path to independence, and something as basic as paying an electricity bill was not a big ask. Since college can now potentially be four more years of expensive adult day care, my confidence in this institution to teach this skill is low. Some ideas: If your kids use your credit card, show them the statement each month and have them pay their share. Look at the electricity bill together and observe how it changes throughout the year. The point is to introduce the concept that recurring bills exist and they need to be paid.
3. Cook an Egg and Make Cookies
[Self-care]A child could live in Hotel Mom & Dad and then go to college without making anything in the kitchen besides toast and Mac & Cheese. Suddenly, they're out of college and don't know how to use a kitchen. Then, they can try to find a spouse who will cook for them, continue to eat processed food, or move back home where mom and dad resume being short-order cooks. Or they can cook for themselves and be empowered. Frying an egg means they can use the stovetop (yes, that’s a hot surface). Making cookies means they’ll understand the basic chemistry of baking and how to turn on (and off) an oven. Those are significant first steps in kitchen fundamentals.
4. Replace a Flat Tire
[systems thinking]Knowing how to change a tire puts you in tune with your vehicle, making you aware of its operation and health. You may not do it every day, but realizing that tires can be changed and motors need oil is a step in the right direction. Kids who know how these systems work are better equipped to find a solution when a problem occurs. At the least, they’re mindful that machines require maintenance and don’t take care of themselves magically.
5. Read a Map
[there is a material reality in this world, not only electrons on a screen]Everyone uses their phone for navigation, and I don't expect this to stop anytime soon. As reliance on our devices intensifies, knowing the old-fashioned alternative of reading a paper map is critical. The power goes out, and GPS networks become compromised. A compass and map can save your life, but only if you can find North, understand a scale, and read topographic (topo) lines.
6. Make a Phone Call
[Communicate]Have you listened to anyone under the age of 45 make a phone call recently? Me neither. That's because texting has replaced phone calls. Some teenagers probably have yet to make one. So why should they still know how? I’ve made my kids use the “phone app” on their iPhones to make phone calls to ask about store hours or when they're looking for summer jobs. It starts out pretty painful (hint: lots of “ums” and “likes”), but it gets better with practice. Even though voice calls are largely a thing of the past, knowing how to string a sentence together to acquire the information you want effectively and politely is valuable. And some things will always be better conveyed over the phone.
7. Safely Handle a Firearm
[Safety]In a country with more guns than people, it makes sense to know how to handle a firearm, regardless of your politics (where I live, Vermont, it is estimated that 50% of adults have at least one gun in their household). At a minimum, it's a safety issue. If they encounter a gun, they'll know how to handle it safely. And by learning about guns, they'll become less scary: knowledge is power. There's even a chance you'll make a new, unexpected friend at the gun shop or gun range. And they may have different political viewpoints from yours. And you can still be friends!
8. Dress Game & Clean Fish
[Survival]The utility of this one is obvious, and I'm not advocating that everyone constantly process wild game. However, knowing the fundamentals is essential if you ever need to prepare your harvest. Philosophically, understanding the anatomy and lifecycle of animals we consume brings a greater appreciation of the meat we buy in the supermarket.
9. Plan a Trip
[Know How to Make a Plan]Helicopter parenting and smartphones prevent young adults from being free to explore the world at an age when that's just what they should be doing. Parents continually check in, which undermines independence. Instead, encourage them to plan a road trip, camping trip, or activity that involves figuring out details like food, reservations, etc. They'll learn, fail, and adapt while developing the skill set of planning something complex and following that plan through to completion. And let them figure it out. Remember this expression?: There’s no such thing as a stupid question. Whoever came up with that never had teenagers. There’s an abundance of stupid questions out there, and kids will keep asking them if you keep answering.
10. Set a Goal
[Perseverance]Helping your child set a goal is helpful for a couple of reasons. The first is that it introduces the concept of goal-setting, which is foreign to a lot of people. It forces them to ask themselves, "What do I want?" That can be a scary question to ask. The second reason setting goals is important is because it teaches a kid to work towards something. This involves making a roadmap (i.e., a plan) and following it. Or reverse engineering it by identifying a goal and then working backward to see which steps are needed to realize what you want. The end result is they learn how to persevere to achieve their goal. Or they fail, and the lesson becomes learning how to move on and develop new goals.
Without continual establishment and reassessment of goals, teenagers are flying blind, simply following the path of least resistance, often giving up control to their parents and delaying their independence.
Well done. I sent this to my son who lives in Japan for his two youngsters. Great advice!
Very well articulated.